Pull up those pants!

Fashion is always full of fads and statements. Working in clothing retail for so many years taught me the dos and oh-no-you-didn’t s of fashion. But one of the worst trends ever to exist is this whole movement with young guys choosing to wear their pants below the waist.

As I walked home from the L a few nights back, there was a young Loyala couple in front of me, leisurely taking a stroll. I couldn’t help but notice the guy was first of all very slim and tall, and his jeans were just as slim, with that Euro style leg opening that looks like a pair of women’s cigarette pants. What was obnoxious, however, was how instead of riding at or even just slightly below the waist, this kid chose to hike his jeans well below the waist (a feat he managed, I suppose, by wearing a size smaller than he should have been) to the point that his bony ass was practically mooning me through his maroon boxer briefs.

You can’t help but notice this fad everywhere you go. Only a few weeks ago, two college age guys, dressed in their slummiest Abercrombie & Bitch sweats, came strolling into our store with their pants practically to their knees. What’s worse, the one had plaid boxers that weren’t hiding much… probably because they had nothing to hang onto. And the young are not the only ones who need to be tasered into submission. On the 147 tonight, a middle aged guy was letting his Levis slide a bit further south than most people really wanted. It’s disgusting, it’s unattractive, and unless you’re at the Jackhammer for a late night rendezvous in the back room, it borders on lewd.

Okay so late night at Jackhammer also borders on lewd, but you get my point. I just wanted to grab him by the belt loops and yank his pants back into an acceptable, PG position. Come on people, wear your correct size, pull your pants up, and fer crying out loud, PUT ON A BELT!

I’m sure some of you are scratching your heads going, Wait, I thought you liked checking out guys backside. I do. Please, I am so a flirt. It’s one of my best qualities. But let’s leave a bit to the imagination folks. Really, I don’t need everyone on the street to know that I chose to wear my pink boxer briefs from American Eagle. I don’t think most other people want to see that hanging out, nor would they want their boxers exposed for all to see (and maybe they do… but that’s a whole other fetish for another blog). It’s called underwear for a reason. Besides, the people who follow this sad trend tend not to have much in the way of a derriere anyway. Which makes me wonder if that’s half the reason they do this anyway.

And lest we forget, the ladies are not immune to this fashion don’t, either, but it evolves in a way that makes me cringe even more. Remember the girls that were shouting into their mobile phones on the train mentioned a few posts back? These chicks must have never heard of belts or feminine hygiene, because not only did I get a glimpse of a full moon (which was so wrong to begin with), but the, uh, aroma… ugh. I retch even thinking about that one-two punch.This goes hand in hand with my firm belief that women in general, but also- how shall I put this ?- of certain dimensions, should be arrested for wearing thongs that ride about the back of their jeans or cropped tees that let their stomach hang out. The only muffin top I ever want to see is in a glass case with blueberries at Starbucks for $1.75.

I just don’t get it. When I was a teen, we wore Jams and OP tees. Yes they are probably fashion no-nos in hind sight, but at least we kept it decent. Today, not so much. It doesn’t help that we have Hollister dressing the kids and Chingy showing you how to wear yer drawrs, shawty. Granted, trying to be a one man fashion police isn’t going to get me far. I think I might get arrested by the real deal if I follow my urge to start pulling at guys sloppy bottoms on the street (head out of the gutter, you know what I mean). So I am pleading to all the young dudes and ladies- pull them up. Stop the insanity. Please.

Either you do it yourself or else I’m sending Stacy London & Clinton Kelly after your bare ass, and then you’re going to be sorry.