An open letter to Speidi

Your 15 minutes are over. Please, just go.

Mr. and Mrs. Pratt,

This letter is to formally ask you to go away. Just turn around now, you are not welcome here any more.

You are not celebrities. This may be news to your deluded ego, but not to the rest of us. You never were, and you never will be. You are spoiled rich kids that invaded MTV on a ‘reality’ show called the Hills, and let the cameras go to your head. And then left the rest of us with a hangover that lasted just a bit longer than necessary. Side note: MTV, I blame you for this, but that’s a whole other letter that involves shooting you for not playing music videos anymore.

You think you are famous. I will admit that yes, you are famous… for being the poster children of everything that is bad about reality television. It’s sad to think that Top Chef and Project Runway begat you. I do love them. But I just can’t let you soil their rich and celebrated history with your histrionics.  So it’s time you are banished.

No more TV. No more magazines. No more webisodes or YouTube or Facebook. US Weekly, Star and TMZ: you must stop paying attention to them, it only encourages even worse behavior. And frankly, we get enough of that from Janice Dickinson. Side bar to Janice- you’re hanging by a thread here missy, watch it.

No more public appearances, or pandering to the camera. No more public fueds with any one at all. No more whining and crying about being starved or tortured or being the only famous people on I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. I mean, the show has the wife of Rod Blagojevich on there- AND NONE OF YOU ARE A CELEBRITY!

And for Christs’ sake, leave Al Roker alone. Even if he did attack you, and maybe he should have, you deserve it. But he had one thing wrong. For him to suggest that some jungle slug crawled in your ear and ate your brain… well that would suggest you had one to begin with!

You have given birth to many ugly offspring you need to take with you, including The Real Housewives of New Jersey. And the past 15 ‘Real’ World casts that came after Pedro Zamora and the San Fran crew (except for Puck, he can go with you too). While you are at it, just take Jon and Kate- and the eight I could give two shits about- with you as well. Let them have affairs with you. Or get drunk with them. Or rot in the fourth circle of Dante’s Inferno; I don’t want to see it, I don’t care to see, I never want to hear about it again.

Exile means return to what you know. Being vapid, self absorbed douchebags, I guess. Is that a career? In Los Angeles, perhaps. What ever floats your boat. Just make sure it is far removed from the public eye. Because we don’t want to see it.

Don’t think me unreasonable. Please. Even Entertainment Weekly is wishing you gone. Be glad I haven’t placed you on the Jet of Death. You were thisclose to joining Creed in the the cockpit. I can still change my mind, you know.

So in closing, farewell. You won’t be missed. We still have Lindsey Lohan, after all, and Kathy Griffin’s Life on the D-list, both of whom have nail polish more interesting than either of you. You overstayed your welcome, and frankly, you weren’t even invited in the first place. So thanks for playing, sorry no parting gifts, it’s time to get the fuck of Dodge. Before I go and drop a house on you, too.

Oh, and don’t you EVER come back.

Love,

Jon